Contemplating Transformers: Age of Extinction (Spoilers)

“Let them hate. They’re still going to see the movie.” –Michael Bay

“Michael Bay has your penis!” – Doug Walker

It’s been a week since I had seen Transformers: Age of Extinction. In those seven days, I have burned on a rage not felt before about a movie, much less a Transformers movie. And this is on the heels of my most hated film this year, Maleficent. I didn’t think Michael Bay could make me hate his film nearly as much as I hated Angelina Jolie’s travesty, but then I shouldn’t ever be surprised by how far into the barrel he would scrape from.

Before I begin my analysis of this piece of cinematic garbage, let me give a few caveats. First, I was not always a Michael Bay hater. My hate comes from someone who has seen genuine talent and unique skill warp into something purely dreadful. I enjoyed Bad Boys more than I should. I absolutely love The Rock and still consider it one of the best action films of the 90s, maybe even the best. I even enjoyed his previous film starring Mark Wahlberg, Pain and Gain.

When it comes to Transformers, I enjoyed the first and in some degree even the second film in that way that comes with watching boys playing with their toys (albeit very EXPENSIVE toys). The third film was mehable until the character of Optimus Prime was betrayed (more on that later) and the ending just left me with a bad taste in my mouth. But none of that prepared me for what I was about to see.

Being fair, let me explain what I did enjoy about this film before we get into the litany. First off, Wahlberg is vastly superior to Shia LaBeouf in every way possible, but that is a very low hurdle to clear. Second, reducing the amount of Transformers and giving them more distinctive looks allow us to understand what’s going on much better. The reduction of subplots to under Godzilla also helps. But that’s it. That’s the peak, now let’s dive in. Just so you know, I will be spoiling the hell out of this movie, as much as I can spoil from it. As I’m serious about NO ONE seeing this movie, please read on. I’m saving you money and 3 hours of your life, take it.

Going in, it would be easy to feel that this is a brain-off kind of movie. The last three weren’t exactly Shakespeare either. And even if it were the stupidest film ever made (being fair, it’s not, but not for a lack of trying), you can enjoy a film for being a spectacular mess as long as it’s interesting. But here’s the problem; it’s not interesting! It’s actually REALLY boring. The first Transformer you get is 30 minutes into the film and it’s the destruction of one of my all-time favorite Autobots, Ratchet. This scene is intended to be horrific and sad, setting up the anti-Transformer forces (called Cemetery Wind by the movie) as pure evil as Ratchet nearly begs for his life as he’s being murdered. His death by the hands of Lockdown leads to many questions, the first being that since he’s a sentient Transformer, WHY IS CEMETERY WIND WORKING WITH IT? Sun Tzu should rise from his grave and throttle Ehren Kruger (screenwriter) for not understanding his book. Kelsey Grammer hates all Transformers yet not just works with Lockdown, but TRUSTS this self-proclaimed bounty hunter, a trade that is just one rung more nobler than a pirate.

While we’re on this subject, why is Lockdown working with these extremely ineffectual humans? Any time humans fight an Autobot, they get their asses handed to them and require Lockdown to erect his head cannon (penis pun INTENDED) and finish the job. Killing Ratchet sets this guy (if it makes a penis, it’s a he) as our main baddie, and does so effectively. Too bad what is going to happen later happens.

So while we’re waiting for the story to start proper, let’s meet our humans. Mark Wahlberg’s Cale is a rural Texas inventor whose schemes are bigger than his talent whose “teenage” daughter (seriously Bay, we’re not even going to try anymore?) is the more responsible of the two. She’s dating a race car driver in his 20s who carries a LAMINATED bullshit card that allows him to date teenagers. And does this statutory romance go anywhere? Take three guesses. And then we have TJ Miller as a surfer dude who apparently has $150 for Kale to spend on a semi found in an abandoned movie theater (no one asks how it got in there). When I hear surf bums having $150 in cash, I’d be checking the local 7-11s. By the way, he’s our comedian in this movie. Too bad what’s going to happen later happens.

One of my greatest pet peeves in regards to this film is one that started in Dark of the Moon; the character assassination of Optimus Prime. In its origins, Optimus is the quintessential noble leader, not just concerned about the survival of his team/family, but about doing things in a just and honorable way. That transported over to the first and second films, showing self-sacrifice and concern for the current inhabitants of the planet (we’ll let that “let’s take the cube into a populated area in order that will ensure loss of life” go by). By the end of Dark of the Moon, Optimus, having plainly defeated his enemies (with the help of his enemy, no less), executes a surrendered foe point blank, then rips the skull out of the other. I could plainly hear Bay beating off to the show of power and domination. And if I may say so, would be a very good reason why humanity shouldn’t trust Autobots IF that was really a thing. Because apparently it isn’t, not entirely.

So a major development in the lore is that humans have discovered the element that makes Transformers. They learned this by using Megatron’s severed head and can now make their own Transformers. The element in question, Transformium (patent pending), is most easily found in other Transformers. So it turns out that the hit squads are all about murdering Autobots in order to melt them down. When we see this with the corpse of Ratchet, this should hit hard, we should now REALLY hate humans for breaching the trust of alien allies THEN cannibalizing them! But no, the guy responsible will be considered a hero by the end (and this might be a good time to say that Stanley Tucci is clearly emulating his director in his scenes). So Bay betrays his own protagonists by the end of his film.

Let’s talk about Dinobots, you know, one of the MAJOR selling points of this movie. The ones that only show up in the LAST 15 minutes! The ones that have absolutely no personality! The ones that the once-noble Optimus threatens to kill if they don’t “save his family” (I really wished Grimlock would’ve said “Why be so rude to Grimlock?”) The ones that come in to save the day by tearing apart the newly minted Decepticons even though they have T-1000 shape shifting abilities that they forget they have at the end? And does Lockdown get a memorable fight or death with Optimus? Nope. Hell, Kelsey Grammer gets a more memorable moment (and by that, Optimus blows a hole into him like a bitch).

Yes, it’s stupid, it’s brainless, and it’s pandering to its audience of young boys. We expect that with Transformers. And for the most part, the former Transformer movies deliver on that promise with inventive robots beating the crap out of one another. Michael Bay is also pandering to China for that extra change found in those theaters, but not without putting up enough American flags beforehand to make a drinking game dangerous. These can be endearing annoyances because we expect it (ala JJ Abrams’ affection for lens flares). Where Transformers goes wrong is that it is misleading nearly the entire film. You set up an inventor sidekick for Optimus who never builds anything throughout the film. You establish Transformer interference with Earth’s evolutionary history, yet it never pays off. Hell, you promise Dinobots and make us wait the entire damned film and they come and go, LITERALLY.

Then there’s the lack of interest in the actual Transformers? Did you find it odd I didn’t mention them at all with the exception of Optimus and Lockdown? That’s because they’re a side note. They play very little in the major plot and they say or do little to make themselves memorable. Skids and Mudflap, as annoying as they were, did more than Bumblebee did in this movie. And they were a whole lot memorable than Drift (who was voiced by the incredible Ken Wantanabe. Heresy!!!)

But the worst offense is the first one I mentioned, IT’S BORING! We’re talking about arguably a passable if uninspired 50 minutes of film in a 2 hour, 35 minute running time! And some of the worst of it is so completely pointless! The statutory relationship, hell, the entire Shane character is pointless. The Beijing site could’ve been integrated with the Chicago stuff and then head to Hong Kong. The bounty ship could’ve been reduced. Optimus’ constant threats to kill everything.

But here’s the real problem, Michael Bay simply doesn’t care. Quality has never been a concern of Bay’s when compared to spectacle. The problem is that once spectacle has worn off or doesn’t deliver, what you have underneath isn’t very compelling. Bay’s announcement of his critics still coming to his films is very arrogant and one that isn’t a long-term truth. The fact is that without innovation, these movies are going to age badly and the nostalgia for them is not going hold up. Boys grow older and the new batch will have other options. Bay is not the terrible filmmaker that his critics make him out to be. His style of cinema is just very different and in a way, classic in how it works in broad strokes. But he should not be forgiven for this train wreck and if Bay doesn’t heed warnings that are given to him, his next Transformers might not be met with the $100 Million opening required to keep him at the helm.

Transformers: Age of Extinction is the most cynical Hollywood production ever put out. Does it do the exact same thing as prior films? Yes. Does it use a bigger actor to pull in more audiences? Yes. Does it create new characters for the sole purpose of selling those characters on merchandise? Yes. And did most of the audience come out because it did these particular practices?

If you want a particularly funny and frantic take on Michael Bay and Transformers, check out Doug Walker (The Nostalgia Critic). He’s right about Bay’s penis snatching. http://blip.tv/nostalgiacritic/nostalgia-critic-talks-transformers-4-6970825